You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
