I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
