I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
