that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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