I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
