IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
