I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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