Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
