I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
