i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
