Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
