Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
sarcasm needs its own font
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
