Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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