I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
