Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
