You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
