Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
