new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
