I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
