sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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