he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
