Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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