somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
