I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
