I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
