I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
