my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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