The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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