I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
