I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
