I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
They took my balls.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
