woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
