I cannot find my penis.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
