She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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