You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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