Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
