You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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