That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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