Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
