He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
