this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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