i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Im part way to drunk.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
