stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
