The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
