Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
