My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
