I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
pray to the hookup gods
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
