Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
