SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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