Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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